impworks Logo - a grinning imp in flight

United Utilities to English Dictionary

Monday, August 21st, 2006
1 Comment

After doing some work in the street outside my home last week United Utilities and their subcontractors have yet to succeed in properly restoring a full supply. To mark the occasion I thought a little low quality satire wouldn’t go amiss.

United Utilities Speak English
24 hour emergency number Our only number
Please wait all our operators are busy We have no call centre staff
Thank you for holding Didn’t the awful synth noise make you hang up yet
7am on Saturday morning 11:30am Saturday
We are experiencing a high call volume Usual call volumes. We have no staff.
Freak weather conditions A bit of rain
I need to get someone to call you back No one will call you back
Can I take your address I need to sell it to some mailing lists they don’t pay me
enough here and I want to eat this week
Will 12 bottles of water be enough till tomorrow morning Will 12 bottles of water be enough for 4 days
I need to escalate this I won’t even record the conversation on the computer
They will phone to arrange an appointment They will push a note through your door
Full service A dribble from one tap
48 hours 7 days
We only do emergencies on Sundays We don’t have any operations staff either
We couldn’t possibly have forgotten to connect you back
after we finished the work
We didn’t connect you or your neighbour back after we
finished the work
Resolution Not fixed
Is it still as bad as it was when you reported it We’re hoping the water fairies fixed it for us
British Call Centre Might as well be some where warmer
Water Crude Oil
Are you sure your stop tap isn’t turned off? I think your stupid
How could we fail to reconnect you we check off houses and
We can’t afford to pay people who can count
Sorry We won’t fix it
Try wiggling your stop tap it works sometimes It never works but we don’t have enough people in the call
centre and if your fiddling with your stop tap your not on the phone to me
No legal obligation Moral and ethical obligation
Customer focused Don’t care about customers
[No word in United Utilities Speak] Quality Control
We value your custom We don’t care. We’ve got your money.
Thank you for calling Go away
United Utilities PLC Private Monopoly
Leave a Comment

One Response to United Utilities to English Dictionary

mcsanimations Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

Thanks for the laugh, Mark!

impworks © Copyright Mark Caldwell 1996 - 2024