After doing some work in the street outside my home last week United Utilities and their subcontractors have yet to succeed in properly restoring a full supply. To mark the occasion I thought a little low quality satire wouldn’t go amiss.
| United Utilities Speak | English |
|---|---|
| 24 hour emergency number | Our only number |
| Please wait all our operators are busy | We have no call centre staff |
| Thank you for holding | Didn’t the awful synth noise make you hang up yet |
| 7am on Saturday morning | 11:30am Saturday |
| We are experiencing a high call volume | Usual call volumes. We have no staff. |
| Freak weather conditions | A bit of rain |
| I need to get someone to call you back | No one will call you back |
| Can I take your address | I need to sell it to some mailing lists they don’t pay me enough here and I want to eat this week |
| Will 12 bottles of water be enough till tomorrow morning | Will 12 bottles of water be enough for 4 days |
| I need to escalate this | I won’t even record the conversation on the computer |
| They will phone to arrange an appointment | They will push a note through your door |
| Full service | A dribble from one tap |
| 48 hours | 7 days |
| We only do emergencies on Sundays | We don’t have any operations staff either |
| We couldn’t possibly have forgotten to connect you back after we finished the work |
We didn’t connect you or your neighbour back after we finished the work |
| Resolution | Not fixed |
| Is it still as bad as it was when you reported it | We’re hoping the water fairies fixed it for us |
| British Call Centre | Might as well be some where warmer |
| Water | Crude Oil |
| Are you sure your stop tap isn’t turned off? | I think your stupid |
| How could we fail to reconnect you we check off houses and connections |
We can’t afford to pay people who can count |
| Sorry | We won’t fix it |
| Try wiggling your stop tap it works sometimes | It never works but we don’t have enough people in the call centre and if your fiddling with your stop tap your not on the phone to me |
| No legal obligation | Moral and ethical obligation |
| Customer focused | Don’t care about customers |
| [No word in United Utilities Speak] | Quality Control |
| We value your custom | We don’t care. We’ve got your money. |
| Thank you for calling | Go away |
| United Utilities PLC | Private Monopoly |
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